My Loved One Just Came Out as Transgender – Now What?

My Loved One Just Came Out as Transgender – Now What?

It’s a tough time in the world to come out as transgender – the world’s a shitty place in a lot of ways. There are a lot of fears involved in coming out to your family and loved ones – and there’s statistically a good chance someone you know has those fears about coming out. I’m going to talk about some ways that people I love handled my coming out to them and ways that I wished others had been better, and hopefully, that will help you to be good to the ones you love.

Be A Good Person Before You Know

The first thing you can do to help support your transgender loved ones, coworkers and acquaintances is to not be a shitty person all the time. Before I came out, there were people who assumed I was a cis male and they made terrible homophobic and transphobic remarks. I wish I could say I was always brave enough to speak up and say “That’s not kind or appropriate,” but it wasn’t really the culture for me to speak up against higher ups. So, when I finally let some coworkers in on my secret after I left, I sure as hell didn’t let them in on it.

There’s no “safe space” for bigotry and hate. You can’t make the off-hand transphobic joke because “it’s just us here, no one will mind.” You do not know which co-workers or friends or family aren’t out yet. And chances are if they know you make those kinds of comments you’re probably not going to need the rest of this guide because they’re not going to come out to you. And if they’re important to you, that’s going to drive them away eventually.

React with Love

The first and foremost thing someone needs when they come out to you is love – however you express it in your relationship. It may be different for others, but for me when I was uncertain how someone would react I first worried whether our relationship would survive. Coming out as transgender to loved ones is harrowing when you’re unsure or definitely sure they’ll react poorly. To this day I still haven’t come out to my mom and step-dad because I know that’s going to be a defining moment for the rest of our relationship.

So for example, if your spouse comes out to you – the first thing you should do before making any other statements is tell them how much you love them. Let them know that they’re important to you and that they still have you. I was lucky that my wife’s reaction was unsurprisingly and overwhelmingly positive. I talked to them during my questioning though, so I was not surprised when I finally came out that they were there for me.

Remember It’s Not About You

When someone comes out to you, don’t make all your interactions about your questions/curiosities about being transgender, their body, or their transition plans unless they’ve opened the door for you to do so. It’s also important to remember they can close that door at any time and you need to respect it. Trans people don’t exist for your education. There are plenty of resources on Google that you can use and you can (politely) ask questions on /r/AskTransgender.

If you’re in a romantic relationship with this person, there’s definitely going to be time for questions about how things might change or stay the same in your relationship. Give your partner some space to first say their peace about what they want you to know. Go very slowly with logistics questions and don’t overwhelm them all at once. Offer any help or support they need right now. They will come to you if they need help with presenting or making transition plans. But remember this is their body, their life, and their journey – not yours.

Don’t Put Pressure on Them to Present

Coming out as transgender is a difficult step even with the most supportive friends and family. One of the most important things to learn is that YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PRESENT IN ORDER TO BE VALID. So don’t tell your loved one to put on more masculine/feminine/andro clothes or to wear more or less makeup. Every day that person is transgender. There’s no modifier to that sentence. They’re still transgender if they haven’t shaved, if they don’t put on makeup, if they’re not wearing their binder, if they’re wearing their old clothes, or if they don’t make any changes at all. Some people can’t, some people don’t want to do any of that – and that’s OK.

Having family support in this area is crucial – I have sat and cried many times because my brain says things like “Maybe if I just put on makeup more often, people would misgender me less and stop using my old name.” It’s simply not true. Make a point to show your loved one that they’re valid by recognizing their gender in your everyday circumstances.

Also: FUCK GENDER ROLES.

Respect Pronouns and New Names

Strangers may flub pronouns, but typically if the only name they know a trans person by is their new name (if they have one, you don’t have to change your name) then they don’t struggle with it. Family and long-term friends, however – may struggle a lot with a new name and pronouns. I get it – you’ve known this person a very long time and you’ve always called them Diane. But Diane has come out to you, and wants to be called Jeff and use “he/him/his” pronouns. When you look at Jeff, your mind automatically thinks “That’s Diane,” and so in casual conversation, it’s easy to slip back into calling Jeff by his old name (or dead name, as it’s sometimes called).

This varies from person to person, but typically it’s easy for me to forgive people who knew me by my old name for a long time, especially if it’s a slip-up. I have a real hard time with folks who don’t at least try. It’s very invalidating and it crushes my self-esteem when someone I care about doesn’t recognize my gender or preferred name on purpose.

I’m Gonna Fuck This Up, I Just Know It

Several friends immediately offered an advance apology, saying they know they’ll probably forget and slip up but it’s not intentional. I’m well aware. So what’s a cis person to do when someone you’ve known a long time comes out and you don’t want to disrespect them but you’ve slipped up right in front of them? Don’t call unnecessary attention to it. A simple in-the-moment “he – oops, I mean her” or something is probably fine but talk to your loved one and find out what they prefer.

I definitely don’t want to experience the mortification of a friend verbally and ritualistically flaying themselves over a little mistake that calls more attention to me than the mistake did. Maybe you and your loved one can come up with a code or a look that basically means “I know I fucked up, I’m sorry” that doesn’t call attention to it.

Just put in effort. Putting in the effort to call someone by their new name and use their preferred pronouns is easy, and it’s a simple way to show someone you love them.

Offer to Go With Them

It’s definitely not a safe time, in any part of the world, to come out as transgender and present in public. But even in relatively safe situations, it can be daunting to go out in public presenting true to oneself. If and when the time comes, offer to go with them. It could be as simple as a trip to get gas or go grocery shopping. If you’re dining out with friends, and you share a gender with your loved one, offer to go with them to the bathroom.

Having someone to go with means others will hopefully automatically pick up on preferred pronouns, they’ll have a feeling of safety and familiarity, and they’ll have support in case they need it. If your loved one is already dealing with anxiety or depression, everyday outings while presenting can be a damned nightmare.

Listen to and Encourage Them

If you’re not transgender, the best thing you can do to support and be a good ally is to close your mouth and listen. Transgender voices are important, special, and they are too often drowned out by cisgender people talking over them about what’s the best thing for them. So if your loved one is telling you about their experiences, listen to them. Validate them. Let them feel their emotions and don’t stifle them.

Secondly, we need more transgender creators and makers in this world. Encourage any creative or artistic endeavors they might be interested in. You’ll likely see them light up inside to see their creativity nourished. Spend your money on media and art created by trans people. Show your loved ones that you want them to succeed.

Grow With Them

Transition, whether physical or not, can bring about a lot of changes in a transgender person. For me, some traditionally feminine things were (falsely) off the table for me when I thought I was a cis man. During the time I was questioning and figuring things out, I realized that my genitals had nothing to do with what kind of music I liked, or which colors I was allowed to say were my favorite. So while not every new favorite color and new taste in music have to do with their realized true gender, some things might have been their tastes all along and now they feel free to embrace it.

This can be tough on friends and family, because it feels like getting to know someone all over again. It’s the same for us – we’re just getting to know ourselves for the first time, or just getting to finally be ourselves for the first time. Since you love them, be supportive instead of criticizing. If you don’t like that your buddy loves Nicki Minaj now, well you just have terrible taste in music.

Remember that this is the same person you’ve always loved. They are changing in some ways, but what makes them the person you love should be the same. You wouldn’t be here reading this guide if you didn’t care about them. Be a good person, own your mistakes, and love them like you always have.

 


Was this guide helpful? Do you have any tips you wish your family and friends had when you came out to them? Is there anything you wish you’d known or done differently when your loved one came out to you? Let me know in the comments. I’ll update this guide with the most useful and thoughtful tips. 🙂

How to Boobs Without HRT

How to Boobs Without HRT

When I first came out to myself as a transgender woman, there had already been a lot of research about hormones, surgeries, and boobs. I had been lurking on the Ask Transgender subreddit where I read about so many other trans sister’s stories. Their tales of success, heartbreak, new awkward social situations, coming out, being accepted, being evicted, made me feel less alone as much as it made me cry and cheer for them. But it also gave me insight into several possible paths my transition (or non-transition) might take. Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) is highly regarded as a major milestone for transition, and towards becoming who you want to be. I’m not against HRT, but you should know that if you can’t or don’t want to begin HRT – you don’t have to do it. You are not any less of a woman if you choose not to or can’t for whatever reason take HRT, present female, or have surgeries. You own your body. You are a woman, and no one can tell you otherwise. 

I knew between gate-keeping and financial costs, HRT was a long way off (and I still want to do it). Among my first priorities for handling how I felt about my body being AMAB (assigned male at birth), were body hair management and my body shape. When I closed my eyes and try to picture who I am on the inside, it wasn’t always a lady. But when I looked in the mirror, I’ve always known something was wrong. I never believed I was beautiful or even moderately attractive. I always assumed people liked me because sometimes I was funny or charming. It wasn’t until my wife that I felt like someone found me physically attractive, so it was tough when I was ready to tell her that I wanted to change my body. But I knew she’d love me and find me attractive no matter what – so I was confident coming out to her.

One of the things that has plagued me growing up is a good bit of gynecomastia – which is the medical term for enlarged non-cancerous cellulose growth in AMAB breast tissue. I don’t like terms like “Man boobs” (or its plentiful variations that were used to tease me while simultaneously boosting the idea that women = bad and anything woman-related should not be a feature of a man). On the other hand, its great for cleavage. If you don’t have much to work with, that’s OK. I know I have some, and I grow more attached to it everyday. My own “pre-boobs” even before HRT.

When I first started presenting female, I didn’t own anything feminine and borrowed literally everything until I was gifted some items I still use. My first bra was my wife’s with extenders because I needed something with a large band size. It also had sizeable cups (DD) that needed filling. I had seen enough teen movies to know that socks might work, but I’d have to be careful so as to not make my new faux boobies all lumpy (it happened more than once). The other problem with socks is that with anything revealing, while my boobs might look good, there’s a good chance a sock might slip into view (it happened more than once). Expect to be embarrassed in general from time to time at the awkwardness that is learning to present female. Guess what, everyone’s adolescence was awkward and embarrassing, because their bodies were new to them as they changed. It’s OK. You will recover, you will learn what works best for you. Don’t beat yourself up too much, OK?

Finding A Bra That Fits You

I’m not going to rehash all the steps for measuring yourself for a bra, but another amazingly helpful subreddit /r/ABraThatFits has the very useful Bra Size Calculator, which has been recently updated for AMAB people! As for folks not on HRT like myself, this is useful for seeing where your breasts are at currently, but if you’re going to be enhancing the ladies anyway, we’re mostly interested in what band size is comfortable. That’s typically a measurement of the complete material that’s going to surround your torso horizontally. Cup size is going to be down to your preference and body frame shape. Although if you’ve got a little to work with like me, you also have to account for how much of you is going to be occupying that cup, too.

I Want Busty Cleavage, Dammit

I had never really thought about the logistics of bras and the boobs that go in them before I decided I wanted a set of both. In my inner imaginings of what I’d look like had I been born a cis woman, my frame lends itself towards larger tits. Its my own preference. You can look gorgeous no matter what size you prefer on yourself. But sometimes, I want busty cleavage and to have people look and go “Oh daaaaamn.”

One of the first upgrades I made from socks was a cheap pair of Wal-mart brand bra inserts. I’m not going to link to them here because they’re nothing special. I think they cost me about $5 and they were labeled C/D. They didn’t really do much, it was just a pair of cup-shaped cloth pouches filled with a silicon gel.

The second upgrade I made was a strapless, backless, adhesive push-up bra that you can basically stick to each of your boobs and then pull them together and clasp them up front and it gives you a little cleavage automatically, even if you’re not working with much. The one I bought (again, at Wal-mart) ran about $10 and was cheap as hell. I literally broke the clasp within the first five minutes. That said, you can still use them as breast forms and even at the same time as the bra inserts. They’re small, discreet, and I also put them on without the bra inserts for swimming.

What you want is a higher quality item with good reviews from somewhere like Amazon:
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There’s a pretty good tutorial video on YouTube for creating cleavage with the NuBra and it should work even if you don’t have much gynecomastia:

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMx1Zr-x10s&has_verified=1&w=640&h=385]

 

What About Duct Tape?

Taping in general works for a lot of cross-dressers and folks who are into drag, but please, for the love of all things boobs, DO NOT DUCT TAPE YOUR BARE CHEST! Even if you shave beforehand, extended use of duct tape is going to irritate your skin and hurt like a bitch when you take it off. I made this mistake once. ONCE. I had a sore chest and nipples for 3 days straight. Use some gauze, or better yet just get something like the above adhesive bra. It’s better for your body. I have not yet found a medical tape or similar less-abrasive tape that actually holds my tits together that doesn’t eventually give out.

Breast Forms: Probably the Closest Thing Short of Surgery

A common but not cheap option for simulating larger breasts is to use silicone forms that are typically adhesive or come with straps. They’re used by cross-dressers, drag queens, breast cancer survivors, and people who just want a little extra in their bra cups. Since breast forms have been largely too expensive for me to fit into my personal budget, I haven’t owned a pair of these yet. The closest I’ve come is the broken silicone strapless push-up. They operate similarly though, with a concave inner area for the form to fit over your existing breast tissue. I can’t recommend any since I haven’t tried them yet, but here are some I’ve been eyeing at a few different price ranges:

 

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There are lots of different options out there that vary on price and quality. You can get forms that match your skin tone for easier blending with make-up, forms that feel realistic, forms with or without nipples, and some that come as part of an entire chest piece that goes up to your neck and shoulders (better for colder climates with warmer dress). Typically anything over a D cup is going to come with straps or will have to be worn in a pocketed or full-coverage bra due to the support requirements. Not every breast form is safe for swimming, and typically it’s not recommended that you leave them on for over 8 hours at a time. You should check the documentation for your product and make sure you are aware of it’s cleaning and care requirements.

Blending and Contouring With Makeup

If you’ve already started with make-up, chances are you’re already aware of how to contour your face and enhance or mitigate different features. With breast forms, it’s likely that if you wear anything with cleavage where the forms can be seen, you’ll want to contour and blend the edges of your breast forms to match your skin tone. This can be done pretty simply with some of your foundation and a slightly darker color for shadow. Apply the foundation to the edge of your breast forms once you have them on and a bra (optional). Then, even if you’re not using breast forms –  with your darker shadow color, highlight the corners of your cleavage and draw it out some. It makes your cleavage look awesome!

This is another YouTuber who follows the nu-bra plus push-up / forms formula, so I skipped ahead to the make-up portion on contouring cleavage:

[youtube https://youtu.be/fHCivtRM6q8?t=72&w=640&h=385]

 

Dysphoria Versus Society

It was really hard for me to finally accept that I will not pass at first, and that passing is not the end-all of being a woman. Before you get wrapped up like I did in finding the perfect way to get awesome tits and catapult into womanhood, find a way to understand that you are real. You are valid. You do not need boobs to qualify. It helps some women with dysphoria, but not necessarily all women. I wrote this guide to help other AMAB people who might be just finding their way like me. You can also use these tips if you’ve already started HRT, or maybe you’re non-binary. This is really for any AMAB who just wants boobs.

A few handy tips:

  • Massage your breast tissue in slow circles for 10-15 minutes several times a day.
  • Be wary of herbal supplements and creams that claim to help encourage breast growth.
  • Again, avoid duct tape
  • Breast form manufacturers typically sell or endorse a medical grade adhesive for helping breast forms stay in place longer.
  • If you get a strapless adhesive bra like the NuBra, make sure it is high quality and well-reviewed.

I’m pretty happy with my boob setup at the moment, though I’d like to try several kinds of breast forms and see how they work with the clothes I own. Tell me in the comments below about your “best breast” tips or products that have worked for you! Do you have a favorite bra that makes the girls look incredible that feels comfy to wear? Let me know!

Facebook Real Name Policy Hurts Transgender People

Facebook Real Name Policy Hurts Transgender People

I’m in a situation that’s not very unique or a one-off use case: I’m a transgender woman who is not out to everyone I know on Facebook yet. Before realizing I was trans, I built a Facebook profile full of memories, friends, photos, and status updates as a cis man. As I came out to myself and others, I’ve started changing my chat “nickname” to Zöe, but I dare not post any photos of myself in girl mode for fear of fucking up the privacy settings and outing myself to everyone all at once.

Now, I’m out to almost everyone except a few very conservative long-time friends and my biological mother and step father. I thought maybe I could skirt having to out myself to use Facebook with reckless abandon by creating a NEW account. Should be easy, right? NOPE.

Facebook’s Real Name Policy Sucks

There are several use cases in which Facebook’s real name policy is just absolutely broken. When the service first started, way back in the only accessible to colleges and universities days, you’d have any old internet ass clown with Juggalo Bin Laden as his name, and a bottle of Fanta as his profile pic. Now, however, Facebook requires that you use your legal name and photos featuring yourself as a profile picture. I know for a fact that neither is unilaterally enforced, and typically only enforced when someone is reported. BUT – there’s more to it then that.

Facebook’s servers use algorithms involving facial recognition, word banks, and your detected IP address to tell if you have a spam / fraudulent / suspicious account. If you try to create a new Facebook account from your home network and your profile pic has your face in it and you pick a name like Lazarus Thundercunt, you’re going to see your account immediately disabled and they’ll ask you to send in a photo ID to prove that’s your real name.

The reason that’s problematic for legitimate users like me is that I have not legally changed my name to my preferred name. It’s still my dead name. For abuse survivors, they may not have legally changed their names, but may need to use a pseudonym for safety purposes.

Suggested Friends May Out You

Another problem with Facebook for trans people is that there is literally no option to disable suggesting you as a friend to people you may know. Case in point: When I created my account I adjusted every privacy setting they have and blocked every single person I explicitly didn’t want to know I was trans, but left everyone else unblocked. If I had not taken these steps, Facebook would have automatically outed me to everyone. I wasn’t using my dead name or my last name, but my profile picture was enough that a middle school friend of mine added my new account. He was cool, so I didn’t mind. But it could’ve been so much worse.

How did he find me? We’re mutual Facebook Friends with my wife and there was no way I was unfriending her on my new account.

In reaction, I changed my profile pic thinking anyone who doesn’t know my new name wouldn’t be able to tell it was me. But then the next day Facebook disabled my account and asked for me to send a photo ID. Facebook needs to fix this shit.

A Few Possible Solutions

If this has happened to you, or you’re just intent on making sure your new Facebook account doesn’t get auto-banned, here’s a few things you can try to establish an entirely separate account:

  • Connect to a VPN service like Private Internet Access or TunnelBear (or a free service, if you like) and that will disguise your source IP address so it doesn’t seem like you’re connecting from your home.
  • Sign up with a complete and legitimate sounding name typical of your locale.
  • Use a profile pic with a human face, but not yours and not someone famous. Free stock photos are easy to find on the internet.
  • Be weary of who you add and who they are friends with, as friend suggestions may try to connect you with someone who doesn’t need to find you.
  • Be weary of which posts you comment on and like, lest those mutual friends also come to your profile to see who you are.
  • Set every privacy setting to as private as you can while still letting friends view content.
  • I don’t condone fraud, but if forced to send a copy of your photo ID to Facebook, they’ve been reportedly known to not glance twice at cleanly photoshopped driver’s licenses and passports.
  • BONUS TIP: It’s also been reported that sending a message through your original Facebook account to Facebook Help explaining your situation could get you a resolution / exclusion to the real name policy.

Facebook, fix your shit. And every other website where there’s not a preferred / display name option. It’s just fields in a database. Add an extra column and let folks put what they want their names to show as. You have a space for married women to show their maiden names, but it still shows their legal names. Transgender folks need to be able to use their chosen names even before legally changing them. Name changes cost money and time in legal red tape, which is prohibitive to people without means. In some cases, it can put those people at risk for their personal safety.