I Don’t Even Fucking Know What to Call This

It’s been a good while, almost a year, since I’ve published any of my own writing on here. This is not a welcome back post.

I’ve had this mental feeling that the best way I know to explain it is when you’re over-encumbered in Fallout or Skyrim. I cannot mentally fast travel these days. I need to unload some of the useless junk I’ve been carrying around. I want to write more creatively. I may write some erotica and more private stories and just password protect them but give the password to anyone who wants to read. I just don’t want that stuff to get stumbled upon. I want to be able to revoke access at any time.

Most people in my life know what happened last December. I’m done dealing with it mostly. I’m not here to dump that out or rehash anything. My life now is all about trying to move forward, start over, figure out what life for me means now as a separated, pansexual trans woman.

I haven’t found satisfactory work with satisfactory pay yet. I worked from February til beginning of July doing some system admin work at a managed IT company. I was making $9.25 an hour when I was done there. There has to be something even minimally close to my field that is available and pays enough to live on. That’s a pretty low bar. I’m not looking to get rich.

I clearly also don’t really know how to market my website services, but I’m sure part of it is I’m never able to afford to spend money for advertising on it. I feel like if I could nail the marketing, I could easily just do websites full time and have a pretty good income and financial situation. As it is, I still live with my in-laws.

I’m 35. I feel like a failure most of the time because I feel like I’m not supposed to still be figuring this shit out at this age. I should be well into a pretty decent career. Anyway, I shouldn’t pity-party. I’m actively doing things about these problems, because they’re under my control. It’s gonna get better.

Having several sources of stress gone from my life now that have plagued me a long time, I feel freer and stronger to work on my situation and find peace. I will write more organized things here probably soon. But here I am, still alive.

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