Princess Zöe talks BDSM: How to Dom Me Properly

Hello! Gosh – there’s a lot of misinformation about BDSM relationships floating around the internet. I’m no expert myself, so this isn’t intended to be a one-size-fits-all guide to BDSM, much less being a dom. I’m not a dominant person – lately especially, I’m finding that my desires heavily lean towards being somewhat submissive. As I talk about what I’m into and what kind of person I am, I want to talk heavily about the relationship itself, not the details of practical kink acts or servitude.

The First Rule in all Relationships is Communication, so have a Conversation

A lot of guys I’ve encountered on the internet do NOT understand the dom/sub dynamic one bit. So let me start off by saying, you should NOT just approach (virtually or in person) any random person who you’ve found out identifies as a submissive and attempt to order them around right away. It’s rude, it has not been negotiated or consented to, and it’s off-putting in most circumstances.

Once I’ve found that lucky someone who gives off those strong “dom” vibes, and you’ve mutually agreed to engage in a dom/sub relationship (either just in the bedroom, or full-time / part-time in your daily lives also), it’s time to negotiate.

What is there to negotiate? After all, you’re in charge now. You’re the boss, right? That’s a common first misstep of an inexperienced dom. A submissive willingly and consentually gives authorization to engage in activities beforehand. You can “give up” control, but you never lose the ultimate bodily and personal autonomy. A good start is to develop together a yes/no/maybe list – you can use this one by Bex, he’s already done a lot of the work for you! Make a list together of the things you’re into, willing to try, and your hard limits. A dom’s primary job is to care for and pleasure or receive pleasure from their sub, and to control the scene.

If “scene” is a new kink term for you, that’s the time and space set aside for specific play time. This is another conversation that you need to have – does the dom’s control cease outside of scenes? Are you OK with flirty casual dominance but uncomfortable with further public control / guidance? That’s OK too. There aren’t qualifiers for “kinky enough” or “dom enough.” It’s rude to look at someone else’s scene and poke fun at it or call it “too tame.” Different people have different traumas, triggers, and levels of comfort with physical touch. Scenes are negotiated to accommodate everyone’s needs, desires, and accessibility needs. There are also cultural considerations, but sitting on a lot of privilege myself I leave that discussion to more qualified writers.

For me, I am more interested in scene-based submission, with casual lifestyle submission (I will serve as long as it pleases me to please you, but not when that’s not respected). I have struggles with my mental health, a lot of issues centering around power dynamics, and between life stress and my medication I don’t always feel like having sexy time. Those days when I just want to be a melted puddle of cute in a blanket and have someone take care of me. In a scene, I like letting go of control, of feeling responsible for anyone even myself, having one thing to do and that’s what I’m told. I feel euphoric when I’ve done as I’m supposed to and get called a pet name or “Good Girl.” And sometimes I like to be a little bratty, suddenly have selective hearing, or forget to ask before doing something. And those are times when our negotiations dictate what responses to expect for “misbehavior.” A lot of folks extend this outside of a scene by setting expectations for a sub or a “little” (in a dd/lg style relationship), such as taking their medication daily, running errands, specific chores, doing a kind thing for someone at work each day, doing a healthy cardio activity. Then there are often rewards or punishments as appropriate. Depending on the circumstances, some choices may result in “fun-ishment” while others may be “not allowed ice cream tonight” or another discrete discouragement.

Caring First, Strict Second

For me, power exchanges are entirely about trust. For me to even agree to submit to you in meat space, I would have to trust you completely. My submission means “I trust you to care enough about me to decide, for as long as I consent, what is best for me – leaving me completely vulnerable. Consent is voluntary, aware, ongoing (check in with me), enthusiastic, and always able to be withdrawn.

Ways to lose my trust:

  • ANY consent violation
  • Lying (outside roleplay)
  • Not showing up for me
  • Cutting off communication / avoiding discussions about the relationship.
  • Violating the negotiated boundaries and conditions instead of revisiting boundaries in discussion.
  • Hurt me in anger.

Lead Me to the Bedroom

In the past, I spent a lot of time in the patriarchal role of pursuer and decider of things. I’ve been in cumbersome relationships where my ability to sometimes function as an adult and meet adult responsibilities with some success led to my being stuck handling all the grown up things alone. While I still prefer to be an independent woman, it would be nice to have a dom partner that would occasionally say “Babe, don’t worry about that, I’m taking care of it for you.” Because I’m most definitely always looking for little things I can do to make my partner’s day better. I don’t want to be in charge, mostly ever, but I certainly don’t want to be the only one taking the lead by default.

My future dom would be someone who would know the proper ways to approach me to initiate a sexy time, gauge my enthusiasm and gain my consent, or be understanding and thoughful when I’m not interested without assuming something is wrong or that I’m in a bad mood. When it’s sexy time though, they would take my hand or tease me and chase me to the sexy time location. I do prefer a quieter, dimmer lit space, with comfortable furnishings. Bedrooms have applied most often.

I’m Eager to Please

As someone submitting to you, you powerful sex demon(ness/nx), I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me. My preference is for you to let me (and guide me) to pleasing you physically, first. That’s because my fear is when I am spent I will be no good to anyone for anything for a while after. And that leaves plenty of time for me to enjoy you and to not have to be functional after you tease, torture, and finally release me.

I don’t keep records – at least when it comes to orgasms. Orgasms are wonderful(!!!). It’s nice to have orgasms(!!!). Not all sex has to be orgasm-centered nor orgasm-involved, even. Nor does your ability to get or stay physically aroused for any duration of time indicate your value as a person or performance as a lover or kink partner. That said, I like giving them very much and it is never a chore or bother at all to get to savor a partner’s pleasure, it’s enjoyable and arousing.

Let’s Play in Public, but not like Creeps

OK, this might sound like something I should save for my therapist, but at a very young and impressionable age (when I just started to think that boobs were interesting and not terrifying), I was walking through the grocery store unattended and saw a woman wearing a mid-drift baring t-shirt and there was nothing too revealing going on, but underneath dangled a single chain but she did not appear to be wearing a necklace. It took me a few more years to fully understand what I saw, but that woman definitely had either piercings or clamps on her nipples and the chain was dangling between them. That might offend some sensibilities, but it’s not outright creepy, just provocative. And that memory might explain some things about me.

I’m a terrified exhibitionist. If I knew I couldn’t be personally identified and wouldn’t be arrested, I love being lusted after by non-creeps and it would be wonderful to let larger numbers of folks enjoy my body without being made to feel shitty about it. So most of the time, I’m into discreet play. That also means not forcing my nudity or sexual behaviors into the public space to be observed non-consentually by passersby.

Fooling around at the movies, for example, is not unheard of, but how you go about it can be discreet fun or lewd and potentially unlawful. A crowded theater, for example, is probably not a great time to attempt it. Under no circumstances should you attempt to perform or request a visible sex act. That’s a hard no from me, I don’t want to assault other people visually and without consent. Pull me out somewhere private, duck into a closet, a stairwell, just don’t get us locked out! And you better already have an abort/escape plan in case we are discovered!

A fun game to play in public is “don’t cum.” It has one rule, and my dom is referee and antagonist. The right one for me will find ways to tease and touch and say things to make it difficult on me, but I will bite my lip (and often my tongue) and try to sit still and not squirm through it. The important thing is to find what we’re enthusiastic about and accomplish it without harm or consent violation of anyone involved (intentionally or unintentionally).

Elevators with no cameras, in the car (safely w/ respect for others), an unattended aisle of the store, anytime really where it’s cheeky but still hidden, grab a handful of booty or give me a light playful spank. A couple seconds of groping and making out and then having to go back about our business as though nothing happened. But it did happen, and it’s a naughty secret now that we share. By the time we’re back, I’ll feel especially playful.

Be Strong, Guard Me, Guide Me

I say dom a lot because it’s less letters to type, but these things apply in any similar dominant role. A good dom will want to stay informed on the status of their submissive, to trust the submissive to be honest and open, and to be worthy of the trust placed upon them. I want someone to whom I submit to be enthusiastic and informed about their role. I want them to watch out for dangers to me (even if they’re me) and help me avoid them. I want them to check in with me frequently during a scene, updating consent, and after particularly intense stuff do after care, be affectionate, but especially not distant. It’s a super vulnerable time. It should feel blissful and safe.

“I don’t know, just do kinky shit. Go down on me, because I said so, bitch.”

If you immediately became the opposite of aroused after that sentence, you are not alone. If you became aroused, because you said this and some poor, unfortunate soul still touched you? You are not a candidate to dom this princess. I’m not against the right kind of name-calling (this is a good thing to include in negotiation, establish boundaries), but the lack of effort, creativity, and ultimately uninspired performance of this line is not a strong start.

“Princess, it’s time for us to play. Be a Good Girl – get the accoutrements and your favorite paddle, but I want you to change into the black pencil skirt, and put your hair up the way I like. Hurry along, now.”

This appeals to me on a lot of levels – a pet name, my desire to be Good, trusting me to know the regular accoutrements my dom desires, and rewarding me with my favorite choice of paddle for “fun-ishment.” They exercise control in telling me how to present myself, and express urgency making the priority clear. These are easily obtainable goals with immediate rewards for everyone involved.

While I gather those things, my dom would be planning other things, like after care, putting on the outfit of theirs I mentioned they look good in the other day. Wearing my favorite fragrance, doing things to accentuate their features that I enjoy. Not to try and win me, they already own me. But because it brings me pleasure, and they get pleasure from that.

50 Shades of “Fucked Up”

My inspiration for this topic was seeing the first two 50 Shades movies recently, and while they got a lot of things right it was a lot like watching a poorly prepared and oversimplified educational video on BDSM and the relationship dynamics of some kinky people. I loved the kink negotiation (though they took it to a literal, legal place – I guess because he’s rich and a business person), I loved the parts on consent and safe words, hard limits and boundaries (although THEY BOTH SUCK AT BOUNDARIES FOR THE SAKE OF PLOT DEVELOPMENT), but so many people focused on either the sex (meh) or the lifestyle submission outside of scenes.

I felt like I should at least clarify my own desires and interests in finding a dom(me) and maybe help someone avoid missteps if they’re just starting out. If you’re just starting out and you’re not actively seeking mentorship to learn to be a good dom, you really should find someone. You may not have to sub to learn from them, but it usually helps. You really shouldn’t start out on your own without some guidance and training. I’m not really looking for a dom that I have to teach everything to in order to enjoy myself. The right dom will hopefully already know these things. For me 75% of sizing up another person to be my dom is whether or not they’re a decent human being worth trusting. So work on that first.

Let me know in the comments what qualities you submissives look for in a dom(me)? Dom(me)s, what do you most look for in a sub? No shaming in the comments, please.

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